He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
