The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
