i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
