Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
