I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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