you traded sex for a burrito?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
