I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
