a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
