I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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