Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
