The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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