I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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