I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
