Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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