She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize