There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
