I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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