Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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