Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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