I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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