my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
