I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
