this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
