I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
