I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
