Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
