Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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