Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
