why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
