im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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