Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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