So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize