Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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