Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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