Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
