I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
