the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
