I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
