this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
