apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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