11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
