I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She bit a glass in half.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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