No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
