Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
