I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
