he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
