I like my sex mixed with concussions.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The air was thick with penises
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
