Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
