wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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