You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
