The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
