I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
