She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
