it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The chlamydia really affected his face.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
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