You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
