wanna go halves on a baby?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
