Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
