trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
