my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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